Are You Being Played?
When people attempt to manipulate us, it shakes our confidence in them and in ourselves. Here are some ways to know when we’re being played and how to deal with it when it happens.
Don’t mean to sound cynical. But at least once today, the thought has crossed your mind, right?
A client recently asked for advice, telling me that she’d just “been played” and was very angry. “What should I do about it?” she asked. “This seems to be happening a lot more often.”
The expression “being played” generally means being taken advantage of by someone you care about. Why should you care, how does it happen, and what can you do about it?
You should care because both the act and the outcome of being played are deeply damaging to your sense of self and to your relationships. It doesn’t matter whether the attempt succeeds or fails.
If you feel like you’ve been played, you become generally distrustful and more cynical and are less willing to extend to another person the benefit of the doubt, which is the foundation of our most valued interactions and directly impacts our sense of well being. Above all, you have to be able to trust yourself and being deceived erodes this conviction.
So how does this happen?
It’s human nature.
We sometimes play each other because we view the world in very personal terms. We look at other people as being able to help or hurt us. Either way, we want to exert control. This instinctive mindset is hard to shake. Lots of unhelpful, unhealthy, and even harmful behaviors can emerge from this mental tendency.
If you can gain advantage by having someone think your way (and, ultimately, act as you’d wish him to act) you’ve reinforced your own ego. Your mind thinks, “I’m not alone in the world,” or “I’m stronger because my idea was superior” — both of which are comforting notions but often at a cost.
To be fair, lots of good things come from the healthy bi-play of ideas and personalities. Our legal, educational, and political systems thrive on this dynamic. Business, too. Good leaders take good advice from the people around them and make better decisions as a result.
But the negative side of how we play each other is manipulation. When a colleague you’ve grown to trust convinces you to promote someone, and you later find out that he’s personally involved with that person, you feel manipulated — you feel like you’ve been played. Same as when your broker recommends a stock for which he’s being reimbursed on the side.
So what can you do about it?
First, resist the temptation to point out to someone else that he’s playing you. This may seem counter-intuitive, but it’s your ego talking. You can defend yourself in the ways I describe below but not by attacking the source. This will only deepen the underlying conflict that prompted someone to attempt to play you in the first place.
Second, don’t do it yourself. The surest way to avoid being played is not to play games yourself. Conversely, if you try to manipulate others, those watching you will model the behavior they see in you.
But the best way to avoid being played is to make yourself aware of the signs and to arm yourself to deal with the situation when it inevitably happens. Here are a couple of common circumstances that signal an attempt to manipulate.
- A conversation or argument goes beyond agreed facts to include the perceptions and emotions of the person you’re talking with. Initially, this shift can feel authentic. But, often, this is a prelude to being unfairly influenced. Extreme versions of this come in the form of excessive flattery or hostility. Flattery lowers resistance; hostility raises it. In either form, if you succumb, you won’t be perceiving and acting based on clear thought.
- The views or wishes of a third party are brought into the conversation: “Well, I’ve been told that your decision has caused some hard feelings in that group” would be an example of a manipulative framing because you cannot likely verify it (in the moment,) and it’s being filtered by the person sharing the information.
Some ways to inoculate yourself from being played include:
Know your own mind set and stay in touch with it. Know where (and when) you’re personally vulnerable because of something happening in your life that makes you open to manipulation. If someone knows you well he or she may also be aware of these factors, so consider the next point below.
Know the people you’re dealing with. Know their story, where they’re coming from, and why they believe what they believe. Understand how they view their relationship with you. Everyone has pain that influences his views and actions, even though he may not be aware of this.
Understand the context in which the interaction (and potential manipulation) is occurring. If you’re a leader, chances are good that the people around you will spin what’s happening in a way that makes things sound better than they are. This isn’t necessarily an example of being played. It’s often a matter of self-protection. But omitting important facts or delaying the sharing of information constitutes being played, which impacts your ability to lead and, often, the broader health of the organization.
If you judge yourself to be in a situation where you’re being played, re-frame the interaction. Let the person know you have a different view of things and need to trust your own knowledge, perceptions, and values. Avoid criticism and keep things matter of fact. Make a mental note for the next time you interact with this person but don’t let this feed your cynicism.
If you do this, you’ll being playing by your own rules and not being played by someone else’s.
